Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
