We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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