So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
