The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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