It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
