just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
