If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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