I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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