Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
