I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
