I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
