He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
