it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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