This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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