after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
