the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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