He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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