HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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