we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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