My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
