I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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