shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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