It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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