so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You took a bar mat shot.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
