I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
