Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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