I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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