Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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