Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
