there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
