Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
