i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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