Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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