New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
