I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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