Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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