You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm both gender and math confused
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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