Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
