i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
