everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
