I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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