so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
