I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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