checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
