please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
