Umm I'm too high to move.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
