if you like me you must not know who I am
im drinking this country out of the recession.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
