This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
