You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
