apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he fucked my hip out of place.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
