my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
