I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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